Tacky is as Tacky Does!

Here’s the problem with the holidays……Work Christmas Parties! I know, I know, you all love going to the parties with your co-workers, and especially love the raffle prizes (who wouldn’t love an electric kitchen knife or maybe a faux-pearl encrusted wall clock?), but have you ever been the one that had to plan the event? Being an HR nerd can take the fun right out of any holiday and/or party. You don’t get to just go enjoy the "elementary-school-carnival" style games, you actually are the one who gets credit for concocting the fun! Or the one who gets credit for the lameness in its entirety (which is usually the case)!

This year, as it is the year of cost cutting and fiscal responsibility, we held our company party in our warehouse. Many employees were a bit upset because we weren’t going to have a cool off-site dinner party. Amidst all the remarks about how lame it is to have a party on the shipping dock, a masterful plan was born. Our party committee, ummm, I mean Heather and I, decided to just embrace the un-cool warehouse venue factor and run with a theme of "A Cliché Christmas…..All Things Tacky for the Holidays." Of course, I can call it that for purposes of this post, but at work, everything was strictly "Winter" or "Holiday", keeping it completely PC. The fact that we had wreaths, red and green presents, Santa wrapping paper, Christmas tree centerpieces, lights, ornaments, fruitcake, and egg nog was merely a coincidence. None of this had anything to do with the 8 pound 6 ounce baby Jesus. I promise! It was all just stuff we had lying around that happened to support our theme. Winter. Non-descript Holiday Season. That's it!

The jumping off point was Heather’s amazing brain child, Tacky Christmas Sweaters! Everything else snowballed from there. Ha, get it, snowballed? Snow, winter, Christmas! So Clever! What are the most cliché Christmas traditions? Popcorn tins, tangled lights, fruitcake, egg nog, wrapping paper, and the ultimate: living room family photos!

Let the fun ensue:

Sleigh Rides for All. Adam, you are definitely on Santa’s "Good" list for constructing this fine piece of transportation! However, you have gone straight to the top of OSHA’s "Naughty" list!

Fruitcake Curling – Those things could really fly!

Crappy Gift Return – Kick that bad boy back; nobody wants it! Can you say store credit?

Winner of the Tacky Sweater Contest!

The crowd favorite – Egg Nog Shooters (straight egg nog, nothing fancy! Yuck!) Teams competed to see how many shots they could down in 15 seconds, without any hands!

Two teams tied, and held a tie breaker round. They tied again! Oooooh so much egg nog! Another tie breaker commenced. This time they chugged whole jugs for 30 seconds. It was nearly another tie, but a winner was named by about 1/8 inch!

A party isn’t a party without a little puke! Just as I put the camera down, the guy on the left was revisited by his egg nog along with his entire lunch! The best part of all this disgustingness: the teams had no idea what they were competing for. Based on previous parties, I guess they thought we’d have a good prize for them in the end. But in keeping with our tacky Christmas theme, the winning team was awarded ever-so-delightful popcorn tins, the kind with 3 Flavors - super deluxe! I don’t park in the employee parking lot anymore. I’m fairly concerned a disgruntled egg nog chugger will slash my tires for forcing such torture on them in return for nothing more than a $5 Wally-World special!

In the end, a team was crowned the winners of all the Reindeer Games and given their gold ornament medals and popcorn tin trophies.

However, an accounting error was brought to everyone's attention by the opposing team which resulted in the winners being stripped of their medals. They were forced to bestow their medals and trophies upon the rightful winners, which made them very sad.

I hope my coworkers don’t mind me sharing these pics. They are just so stinking funny!

Such a stylish living room for photos, eh? Yes, the beams showing between the backdrop sheets was ever so trendy. Very industrial chic!

This reminds me why I go to work. There truly is a great bunch at people at the Big Red ‘S’! Thanks Heather for your ideas and super craftiness! You’ve got skills, girl! And Joan, you saved the whole day by being banished to the front desk. You rock! I'm sorry. One day we'll figure out that whole thing! Maybe in the new building we'll just have all our parties in the front office!

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!

Heights of Awesomeness!

As Christmas approaches, the party planning at work has begun. With a small budget and even smaller timeline to pull off a party for 85 people, creativity has beome essential. With one simple thought, Tacky Christmas Sweaters, (thank you Heather!!!) our mad planning skills have jumped into action. The party theme has evolved into all things Tacky and Cliche for Christmas. More on that later.

What's really important, is that during discussions of lame holiday traditions, our thoughts naturally turned to our childhoods and the trends of the 80s and 90s. So join me if you will as I dig up some references to things I'll bet you've forgotten all about. Even 5 years ago, much of this would have mortified me to admit I was involved in. But I guess I'm officially an old lady now and can finally look back and laugh at myself. Here we go...

• Units. Remember Units? I was never all the way cool enough to have actual Unit branded apparel, but I do remember some stretch pants that could have passed off as such.
• Charm Necklaces. Yes, those were the mark of a cool 6th grader. Most definitely a must have item was the miniature notebook with real 1/2" x 1/2" paper that snapped shut.
• Esprit bags. If you didn't have one, you may as well not even bother showing up for school. However, you may obtain a pass that will excuse you from lameness if you acquired the knock-off version from the Copper Rivet. Yes, that was acceptable until a true Esprit bag could be obtained.
• Layered socks. How many colors did you wear with your stirrup pants and/or Units? We must have looked like a parade of caterpillars.
• Peg-leg pants. This was an art. Everyone had their own method of tucking and rolling the bottom of their pant legs. You were a fashion-god if you could actually cut off your own circulation. And remember Girbaud jeans? Ya, I never had any. Outwardly, it was because who would be so stupid as to spend that much money at JMR for a pair of jeans. Inwardly, I just wished I made enough money working at the bakery to get a pair of jeans from JMR.
• Rugby shirts. Perfect pairing with the Girbaud peg-leg jeans.
• Overalls. Yes, my sophomore year was a quest to see how many ways I could wear my Guess overalls so it looked like I had more than the one pair. My 10th grade yearbook photo said it all: Camp Beverly Hills t-shirt and Guess overalls with just one strap clasped.
• Hippie Grunge. When actual cool fashion escaped you, it was a blessed relief to have grunge to fall back on. Birckenstocks and plaid shirts. What could be easier? And if you could pull off wearing leather slippers to school, you were welcomed with open arms into the granola crowd.
• Big Bangs. No journey through the horrors of our wayward youth would be complete with out a nod to the greatest hair trend of all time. It was a good time to own stock in hairspray companies. How high can you go? I know, you're all hoping for photos at this point. Well, it ain't gonna happen. Sorry, I'm all about a good laugh, but not at my own expense.

Now that we've got the ball rolling, what other incredibly bitchin' trends need mentioning?

I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay!

This four day weekend was much needed! Thanks to a thief employee at work and the aftermath of the arrest, I was a little drained come Wednesday. It may have been a full week. Did I mention I love my job?

This weekend was perfect! Jam packed full of fun. Thanksgiving was tremendous. It's hard to screw up a day with all that pumpkin pie floating around. Then Friday, after crapping out of 3:00am shopping lines (Excuses: the pie was weighing me down, or I'm sorry, 3:00am was not meant as an hour of the day humans experience vertically), I drove down to SLC to retrieve our Christmas tree cutting permit. That in and of itself was a treat. Very funny people at the BLM field office in SLC. Mrs. Grizzly Adams works there, did you know?

Fast forward to Saturday morning.

Ready with the chain saw and hungry tummies we headed north. In Snowville, Utah, we stopped for breakfast. Hungry tummies happy now. Miss Mollie of Mollie's Diner signed a copy of a cute cowboy calendar for the kids. She had to have been about 99 and was just the most darling old lady.

A few million miles and one "authorized vehicles only median" turn-around later,

we ended up in the Raft River Valley of the Sawtooth National Forest. At one point, we crossed over into Idaho, but the "graveled country road", as the map called it, took us back down into Utah.

I don't know exactly what I was expecting from our tree chopping experience, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't thinking deserty mountainside. It didn't feel very Christmasy tromping through sagebrush and dodging cactus plants and bunny poo, especially without any snow, but by the time we hiked a little bit up the hill, I was sold that this is the only way to pick out a Christmas tree! Over there. No, this one. Wait, up here. Tromp tromp tromp.

How about him?
Nope, a little too Charlie Brown.

This one?

Ummmmm, just a tad too large.

Aaaaah, here we go.

Perfection! And of course, the Terrible Towel must make an appearance.

Stretch the psycho-lumberjack! He downed two perfect trees, one for us and one for Grandpa Paul. Time of Death: 10:53 am.


With our trees already chopped and loaded into the truck, it was time for some photos of my peeps. Yes, the Bear is very enthused about this prospect. It's not like I had taken any pictures of her in the last 12 hours, I don't know what the problem was. Squid was gracious as always.



It wouldn't be a successful wilderness outing if we didn't scout out any deer antlers.

Well, since we got our two perfect trees, we'll consider this 1/2 a piece of an old antler shed a success.

I do believe that even if we hadn't found our pinyons, Squid would have been content to take home some junipers. Then she could harvest all the alien poo she wants forever.

Gratuitous Dodge pic. All loaded up and ready to roll.

Good time had by all!

And Voila~

The finished product! One day, the techie geeks will find a way to have scratch-and-sniff on the internet and I'll be able to share with you the scent of the best smelling Christmas tree ever. Until then, come visit. It's not quite to Idaho, well worth the drive.

More from the Best Mom of the Year

I'm torn here. I have the most hysterical child in the world and want very much to tell you one of her all time best lines. Yet, in doing so, I risk bringing to your attention (again) that I am delinquent in protecting my little ones from the bad influences of TV and music.

If you're familiar at all with country music, this will make a little more sense. If not, then just laugh anyway because it's still hilarious!

Little Bear was probably about 5 years old. She, Squid, and I had met up with Aunt Dawn for a fancy dinner out at the Arctic Circle. We hadn't seen Dawn in a while and she was asking the girls lots of questions to get caught up on the goings-on in their exciting lives. Then Dawn said she was going to test the girls to see if I was being a good mom. Uh-oh. I'd been through this before at the pediatrician's office. You know, when they ask the kid what to do if they find a gun, or what to do if a stranger talks to them, or if they wear a bike helmet. Mom can only hold her breath and hope the kid doesn't make her look incompetent.

Anyway, Dawn asked the Bear, "So do you know about alcohol?"

Little Bear nodded in excitement showing off her intelligence, "Oh yes!"

Aunt Dawn followed up, "Okay smarty-pants. What happens if you have alcohol?"

The Bear then jumped up in her seat and yelled, "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off!"

Yep. Parenting must not be my strong suit.

Kids Say.....

...the darnedest things! And sometimes, those kids are 32 years old. Stretch and I were driving to do some Christmas shopping and something triggered me to comment on how crazy he is. He replied, "Ya, I'm pretty crazy. I used to be normal." Then in complete seriousness he added, "My mom said I was normal till I was two!"

I love that boy!

Thankfully...

I guess I should take a minute and jot down the things I'm thankful for. (such as dangling participles!)

So here goes. I am thankful for:

- my dang flippin' awesome family and friends! This includes whoever of you considers yourself my family and friends.

- my husband who spoils me rotten!

- Little MareBear who makes me a stronger Mommy everyday, and who gives the cuddliest hugs.

- Squidbert who often doubles as slave-girl. Sorry Squid. You really should just tell me take a hike sometimes!

- My big bro Shawn who just reminded me of the time we were at the car show and he saw the singer from AC/DC and got an autograph on our Cadillac brochure. I had completely forgotten about that.

- My other big bro Jason who has humor oozing from his pores and also teaches us all that all music is good, even lounge covers of Black Sabbath.

- The Bean. Well, just read the post "You're HOW old?" That'll tell you everything you need to know.

- the rest of my family who is going to forgive me for not naming them by name and listing all the wonderful things about them. Seriously, we'd be here for the rest of the year if I made that list!

- a good job. So many people are losing their jobs right now and tough times are ahead for everyone. I've spent so much time thinking of how great it would be to not work anymore that it feels strange to be so grateful to be working. I'm lucky to have a fun job (albeit ultra-stressful these days).

- South Park. Yes, it's nice to be able to cue up a good laugh when I need it.

- my DVR which allows me to cue up a good laugh when I need it.

- my scrapbooks. I can look at them anytime and it brings all this thankfulness right to the front of my brain.

- my green office. It's just so happy!

- Diet Coke. Duh, like you didn't see that coming!

- my Nikon D50.

- They Might Be Giants

- Pumpkin pie!

- Kitty cat motors.

- Acrylic stamps with groovy ink colors

- Friends (especially Season 4)

- Falling gas prices

- Our freedom - enjoy it while it lasts.

- Cows

- Jackets, purses, and shoes

- The Gospel of Jesus Christ. Certainly not at the bottom of list by importance, but put here as a parting thought to be fresh in all our minds.

Happy Turkey Day!

My Indiscretion Revealed

Having a child of babysitting age is such a joy. It's a parental victory when our first born is sought after as one of the most responsible, trustworthy babysitters by families around the neighborhood. Clearly, credit should be given to her outstanding parents for rearing her in all the right ways. Truth be told, the rearing was wholy selfish. Behold, the reason for bringing forth two offspring becomes known. Now my big kid can babysit my little kid so Mom and Dad can go out. Aaah, what tremendous parents our children have! However, every once in a while, this little arrangement can backfire. Read on...


This past summer, after one particularly awful afternoon at work, which wasn't made any more pleasant by my girls constantly calling tattling on each other and working extra hard to get out of chores, I found myself stuck in horrific I-15 traffic. Stretch called and said he was going to stop by the VFW on his way home. I was totally bummed, not wanting to go home in my current mood. I told him I would just meet him there and we could hang out. He was the only human being I wanted to be with at that moment (well, most moments actually).


I stopped home on my way to feed the kids and give them a big dose of grumpy. I said very little but made it clear they were in trouble. Nice mom, huh. Then I headed back to the garage and grumbled that I had to go out and they better be good. At this point, they had no idea where Dad was or where I was headed.


I drove to the VFW and met up with Stretch. We hung out playing pool, drinking Cokes and watching TV. Wow, super romantic. After a while, I called home to check on the kids. I might have been ornery, but I still worry. I didn't say much, just verified all was well and said I'd be home in while. When we'd had our fill of caffeine and mindless chatter, Stretch and I agreed it was time to depart. I told Stretch he could finish up his game of pool and ~kiss kiss hug hug~, see you at home. My night out with my super hot hubby did me good. I was finally calmed down and beginning to remember why I love being a mom.


Upon arriving at home, I sought out my youngsters to remind them I wasn't a total meany. Squid was in her room and cautiously turns around waiting for me to speak. Suddenly, the Bear pops in behind me and slowly starts circling.


Now, I probably should have mentioned to you earlier that the VFW has a very distinct smell. It's the odor of stale, old fry grease in a building that used to allow smoking; two aromas that a) don't mix, and b) only get worse over time, and c) infuse themselves into every stitch of clothing on your body and every strand of hair on your head.


Okay, so the little one is hovering and apparently sniffing. Squid is just looking at me weird. Right about the time I was going to question this strange behavior, the Bear points at my head and hollers at Squid, "Wait, Mom isn't having an affair! She was just at the VFW with Dad! Look, her hair isn't even messed up."


Talk about stunned silence from mortified Mommy! As I stoop to pick my chin up off the floor, I manage to mutter, "What? You thought I was having an affair? Wait, how do you even know what that is?" I take back what I said about rearing our children in the right ways. Something has obviously gone very, very wrong in that department! I continued my rant, "Who thought this up? How did you two even think to discuss this? You obviously put a lot of thought into it if you're inspecting my hair!"


Poor little munsters. If they had tails, they would have been tucked very securely between their legs. Squid starts to explain, "Well, you didn't tell us where you were going tonight. You just left. Then when you called, you sounded very quiet like you were hiding something."


I tried to replay that phone call in my head. I didn't recall anything weird about it, but I guess when my oh-so suspicious kids have concocted this scenario in their brains, they would have heard what they wanted in my voice. I again asked how they even knew what having an affair meant. They just rolled their eyes at me and said, "Duh, TV." Did I also neglect to mention that I have been nominated for Best Mom of the Year Award?


See...backfired! Now when we go out, we make it very clear, "See Mommy and Daddy getting into the same car together? We are going to a movie. Be back at 10:00."



Here they are: My little scheming angels.

Totally Random Thoughts

Jack Handy and his Deep Thoughts have nothing on my Totally Random Thoughts! It doesn't get any more meaningless than this. If you'd prefer, you can just watch and wait for a new post to bump this one down the line. I won't know the difference. People rarely comment anyway, so how would I know? Oh, except you, Dad. I'll be deeply saddened if your comments are conspicuously absent here.

I'll try really really really hard (I like the word 'really'. Really, I do!) to not post anymore stupid cat crap. Well, cat crap is hard to get online and is often smelly and certainly messy. What I really really mean is, I'll keep the cat talk to a minimum going forward. However, you must see this one shot of Ms. Harley Chanandler Bong in her new favorite hang out.

I'm very happy today. I found a name, (rather stole it from an email list I use at work) that, I really think will go straight to the top of my Baby Name list. Really. Not that there's a baby to name, but doesn't Guru Modugu have a nice ring to it? Really - true real live name of someone I do business with.

If I were a more generous person, I'd give out a prize to anyone who can tell me what this is. Some used-to-be-liquid has been left to crystalize in the bottom of a bowl in my kitchen. I promise I did dishes every day this week. I think this must have been one of those roaming dishes that finds its way onto a chair-side table in the basement. Check out the little snowflaky looking crystally shapes, especially along the edges of the foreign substance. Weird. Still don't know what it was.

The Twilight movie comes out this week. I'm very excited. I am concerned, however, that the flick will not live up to the hype. No, no, it will definitely make bazillions of dollars, but I just hope the movie does the book justice. After finishing the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, I am quite soured on the whole vampire love story thing. Oh my boring!!! So, Twilight, you better not let me down! Edward, I'll see you Saturday. xoxoxoxoxo

So, Thanksgiving. That's a week away. Hmmmm.

Well, I'm really glad you stayed. Really! Have a nice day.

Oh, and P.S...... It's still NOT a shrine! Really.

P.S.S..........It's ALL Christmas ALL the time till January 2nd! Get used to it.

Learning to Live with TBSFUS

This post is dedicated to my dear sweet husband who suffers from a rare disease known as The Biggest Steelers Fan in Utah Syndrome or 'TBSFUS'. See, he even has his own cheerleaders.

The following photographic evidence would suggest that this condition dates back to the late 1970s. See his t-shirt? Steelers!

Further study reveals that he is saddled with this ailment where 'ere he goes.

Even travels to exotic destinations such as Mt. Rushmore cannot squelch the symptoms of TBSFUS. There are magnetic molecules in his blood that draw him to anything Pittsburgh related!

Treatment for the disease is scarce in these parts, so symptoms such as buying your wife and kids Steelers jersey earrings on ebay persist.

So it really should come as no surprise that when this 1930's Esco trading card vending machine was unearthed on one of our many antiquing adventures, it would be reconditioned and filled with the most prized of all the Steelers memorabilia in the house. This awesome display case fuses my passion for all things antique and Stretch's all consuming thirst caused by his condition.

With some TLC and elbow grease, Stretch transformed the seeming hunk-of-junk into a beautiful treasure that has already become the focal point of our family room. Finally, TBSFUS has a beneficial side-effect.

Inside you will find his mini replica helmet, a card autograhped by the late Art Rooney - founder of the team, a patch from SuperBowl XL, and of course a Terrible Towel, among several other memorabilia cards. Just one day after settling in, the case received it's first visitors. (Tours begin nightly at 7:00pm, by the way.) Now, some insensitive viewers may comment that it appears to be something of a shrine. To all of you who are thinking of adopting that mentality, please let me set the record straight right now.....

It's NOT a shrine! (No coersion by the TBSFUS victim has taken place to get me to say that. I am reporting this of my own free will and have not been paid off with M&Ms to make such a statement!)

Since the introduction of this piece of history into our home, I have decided to cancel the appointments with the TBSFUS specialists. I'm certain the cure for the disease is far more damaging than the sickness itself.

Sweetie - we are behind you no matter what. We will always be here to support you. This is who you are and we love you!

Move Over Morris...

...here comes Harley! Join me in welcoming our newest addition to the family,

Ms. Harley Chanandler Bong.

Harley for short.

Yes, it's another cat. Another whiny, moody, tempermental feline who, week to date, has cost us right around $200.00. We're in big trouble if this expenditure becomes a frequent occurrence. Lucky for Harley, she's also super cuddly, has a huge motor (hence, her name), and somehow managed to steal all our hearts.

I found Harley at the Petsmart. Her little orange face stuck out from a pile of kittens in the bottom right cage. I pointed to her and said to absolutely nobody as I was alone at the time, "I want that one." Little Riley (that's what Wasatch Humane said her name was; they were wrong) immediately jumped out of the pile of kittens and climbed the cage to get as close to me as she could. I was hooked!

I went and found Stretch who was busy buying fish. I joked about the kitten that needed to come home with us. I truly never intended to get the darn cat. When he saw her, he softly said, "Do you need her to be your going away present?" He is leaving for another tour in the Middle East soon, and actually encouraged the adoption. I felt guilty, so I just left little Harley clinging to the cage.

Needless to say, I couldn't get her out of my head the whole next day. On my way home from work, I stopped back at the Petsmart and snagged her up!

The minute I brought her home, she bonded with everyone in the house, with the exception of course of the other two cats! By the way, I've never introduced you to Gus Gus and Ella (maybe you've met Ella, but she's worth mentioning again). Aren't they cute?

Anyway, Harley caused us all (including big strong Stretch) to fall head-over-heels in love with her. So, when she got very sick just nine days into the relationship, we didn't have a choice but to rush her to the Animal ER! Turns out she has some feline upper respiratory virus; aka: a kitty cold! She's on antibiotics and doing much better. Phew! She better be, after $129.00 at the cat hospital! Good thing she's so cute!

One of the best things about Harley, is her perfectly Black and Gold color. Why would these colors be of particular interest to us? Well.....

Touchdown Pittsburgh!!! See, perfect match. She was meant to be ours!