Home on Leave

We are so lucky! Stretch was able to come home for 15 days on leave from the Middle East. It was the most perfect two weeks ever! I'm still in a bit of a funk after having sent him back for the remainder of his tour, thus, my clever wit eludes me today. So I will let these pictures tell the story of our wonderful time together.

Traveling Diva

My little Bear! She is such the drama queen! And I love it. Sure, most of the time, the drama is more aggravating than fun, but I can't help smile at the stuff this kid comes up with.

For her birthday, the Bear learned she was going to go to California with GrammaC. She has been so excited for this trip, as would any 11 year old about to embark on a journey that included beach time. Giving her two weeks notice before her departure may have been a bit hasty. She has spent every spare minute for two weeks planning and preparing for her adventure. Nothing wrong with that, but she has gone a little over the top. And to be perfectly honest, her obsessing has been quite enjoyable entertainment for me.

First off, she created a permission slip for the trip. She took a field trip permission slip from school and tailored it for this vacation. She had me answer, in writing, questions about any allergies, whether or not she had her own luggage, and if she requires any special foods. At the bottom, there is a space for "Parent/Guardian Signature", "Gramma Signature", and "Goer's Signature" -that's her. She's the one going, hence, she's the "Goer." I laughed so hard at that. I think it hurt her feelings a little, so I had to back-pedal and tell her how glad I was she was so organized.

Then one night, she turned to me and asked, "Mom, will be flying over the Hudson River?" Following a quick geography lesson, I answered, "No, why?" She replied, "Because that dang Hudson's been swallowing people up lately!" What a proud moment when your youngest proves to be up on current events!

Today, the day before her trip, Bear spent most of the afternoon packing and repacking her suitcase. Before she was satisfied, she had me review her packing list. It was a full page list with all sorts of detail. Each item fell into one of six categories. After each item, there was a check mark, and within each category she wrote, Complete. At the bottom of the page, she signed her name to certify her packing was accomplished.

She is just too fun. I'm glad she made the prep for this trip so much fun. I was having such a fun time watching her, I forgot to remember how much I'll miss her while she's gone.

I hate days when you realize that you've just been deluding yourself about how clever and witty you are. Most days I convince myself that I am quite humorous. Today: not so much! I wish I could take credit for the following amazingly hilarious thoughts on life. But no, I must thank the very mature Ken Wood for supplying an email that put in sharp focus that, even though I have done/thought/said these very things before, I am no where near talented enough to put these thoughts into words quite so perfectly. Hold on to your britches, make sure you read all the way to the bottom, and enjoy!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

*There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

*Was learning cursive really necessary?

*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*Bad decisions make good stories

*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! *Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn It!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

*It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

*I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Showgirls and Judging Judies

Back to the fanciful day at Lagoon. In an effort to revive some of our rapidly dwindling youthfulness, Dawn and I had a grand idea as we were strolling through the Pioneer Village. The old time photo shop was calling to us. We figured taking some pictures in front of a saloon dressed as skanky showgirls would totally infuse some juvenescence back in our blood. Only one problem with that master plan: what do we do with Squid and the Bear? Dressing my daughters up in provocative fishnets with feather boas probably won't earn me any votes for Mother of the Year.

Well, never underestimate a scrapbooker on a mission! Our genius goes far beyond just cropping and pasting. We also have quite the prowess for staging photos. If there's any scrapbooker out there who denies ever staging a "special memory" for the sole purpose of having photos to match some terrific patterned paper or stickers, she's lying! In this case, my ingenuity didn't let me down. How about we dress the girls as uppity church girls passing judgement on the dancing girls, who are surely going straight to hell! Brilliant!

It was immediately obvious that the worker bees at the photo shop were not used to the patrons calling the shots. When they asked if we wanted a formal or fun setting and we replied with "both", they were so confused. But don't worry, we walked them through it and I think they were 85% onboard in the end.

Now, as a sidebar, for anyone interested in having their own old time photos taken, be aware of the following. The clothes they use aren't exactly modest. The dresses are like hospital gowns that are open in the back with a few ties. Never have I worn so little in a room full of strangers. You may want to opt for the formal look, so you can just slip the costume on over your clothes.

So, here's the finished product. What do you think? Personally, I say we pulled it off perfectly!!!

The Book Bag

I find it astonishing that you can have parents for 34 years, (not to imply that I am 34 years old!) and find one day that you know very little about them.

Take for example my father and his ears. No, I don't mean that I didn't know he had ears. Considering he hammered flat any jingle bell or toy bell on any of my stuffed animals, and could wake from a dead sleep every time the fridge motor would kick on, it is quite evident that Dad has ears. By ears, I mean that just this year I was informed that Dad has a constant ringing in his ears, and has had since his Army days in Germany. I guess being on a tank and blowing things up takes its toll on the eardrums. Anyhooooo, my dad was talking about this ringing in his ears a few months back and I sat there dumbstruck, and then began to argue with him. I told him he was wrong. He could not possibly have a lifelong ailment such as this, of which I had no prior notification.

If using this same logic, it can be concluded that my father also has no interest whatsoever in drag racing! However, apparently (even without my knowledge), the drag race scene has been somewhat of an obsession of Pa's since before I knew him. Again, how could someone I spent all of my childhood with be involved with something and I have no awareness of it? We watched a lot of TV, and I do mean a lot of TV, back in the day. I remember bouts with boring golf games, even some tennis matches, and certainly about a million innings of baseball, but never ever did any funny car blaze the quarter-mile across our TV screen. Even still, Dad knows all the stats and stories of this sport. Is drag racing considered a "sport", maybe an industry, or passtime? I don't know.

So I'm left just scratching my head wondering, "How can this be?" That's where I'm at. Just dazed and confused. Makes me wonder what else was right under my nose that I never picked up. Were my brothers trapeze artists in the circus? Did my little sister sing, dance, and spit fire at the ward road-show?

Another case in point: my mother is a poet. This realization was brought into sharp focus this evening when I opened a scroll of paper my mom left on my kitchen counter during an afternoon visit with Squid. In her beautiful "mom cursive", the following verse came to life as tears filled my eyes. And I quote:

For Steffi

"The Book Bag"

Oh what magic I carry to and fro,

The treasures of one so young with years to grow.

The lessons from school, all the learning she's gained,

In the summer sunshine and wet days as it rained.

She has filled me with joy, as I carry the weight

Of jump ropes, papers, and rocks,

Hurrying as not to be late.

The papers all finished, the teacher has marked

with smiley faces and intellects sparked.

How many times she has drawn from within,

For with the jump rope she'll be challenged to win.

Oh now the rocks, each one such a beauty,

All sizes and shapes, treasured with loving duty.

Two years now she's carried me to and fro,

And now my seams are fraying,

And she puts me aside for a bag that's all new.

I've loved you Dear Steffi.

For your happiness I will be praying.

With love,

Your Book Bag

**Pause for dramatic effect**


Now, had I read this as a child, I would have just rolled my eyes and dismissed it as more crazy ramblings of my mom. Today, as a mom of little girls, I savored every word of this prose. I could feel the spirit in which it was written all those many years ago. My mom noticed and cherished even the smallest details of my childhood. What have I done today to capture a memory for my children, or let them know they are loved? Will they find themselves one day wondering how they could know so little about me after a lifetime as my child? I hope not.

Thanks to my wonderful parents for every fond memory I have of my childhood. Even if I wasn't aware of half of them!

A Kid Again?

If I were to sift through the annals of my brain recalling historical ad campaigns for Lagoon, I am certain the phrase "makes you feel like a kid again" would make an appearance. It was this concept that accompanied me (along with Squid, Bear, and Aunt Dawn) to a day at Lagoon, Utah's claim to fame in the amusement park arena.

How very naive I still am in my old age. Not only did I not feel like a kid again, I'm pretty sure I aged 15 years in the span of 10 hours that day.

To begin with, the very first ride we went on made me pee a little. Well, okay, the first "ride" was a stop at the restroom. I could feel my children's dismay as I dragged them past all the fun stuff to the stinky potties. Considering I spent half my childhood in public restrooms since my mom would need to go at least every 15 minutes, it was no difficult chore to interpret that look of disgust on my own offspring's faces. Now it's me traversing to tinkle town every hour. I should warn my girls at this time, shrinking bladder capacity is directly linked to complaining about your mom's frequent pit stops. You will be cursed with this ailment later in life should you moan, groan, roll your eyes, or make negative comment when the old lady has to go again!

After the evacuation was complete, we could hit the rides. First off, Terroride! Although the most benign of all haunted house rides ever, this thing was torture for me as a child. To this day, I have never kept my eyes open all the way through. So you would think I'd be a little more understanding when the Bear was reluctant to enter the line. But, oh no, I fake excitement and try to sell the ride to her. It is after all, a classic. All the way through, she clung to me for dear life. To distract myself from the terrifying terror of said Terroride, I tried to snap self pictures of the two of us. You see, a true scrapbooker will risk life, limb, and death by haunted house rides to capture those most special of memories on camera.

Next up, another good old classic, the Roller Coaster. Constructed in about 1797, it's surprising to me that you don't have to sign a release every time you ride it....."I agree to not sue the living snot out of Lagoon when this rickety wooden roller coaster crashes to pieces beneath me. I also agree that I will not raise my hands above my head." Something like that. It's at this point my age begins to show. As we watched the ride attendants run along the side of the cars to ensure safety restraints are securely in place, I leaned over to Aunt Dawn and made the comment that it must hurt the back after a day of running along and leaning over like that. Really? That was my only thought at this juncture? Once we disembarked the old creaky coaster a bit of dizziness set in. I walked gingerly down the ramp wondering what this strange sensation was. It has been confirmed through extensive research that I am getting old and cannot endure thrill rides like I once did.

Well if anything could bring back that feeling of being a kid again, it would be a spin on the Wild Mouse. Remember this thing? It's like a giant sized Mouse Trap game, but you're the ball rolling through the course. The cars and rails are designed so you think you're going to be flung right off the track with each turn. Yes, a glimpse of the good 'ole days began to creep in at this point. But once again, upon exiting the dang thing, a wave of woozy took over. Seriously? This is how it's gonna be?

On to Music Express. Aunt Dawn remembered this as the ride you go on with a boy and you act like you aren't going to fall into him when the ride goes full speed, but you actually are going on the ride for the very purpose of having an excuse to cuddle up to him. I was perplexed. I only remembered the ride as "I'm not kidding Jen (my sister), get off me!" It's quite possible that I never interacted with boys until I was 18. As if to further illustrate our elderly status, we complained no less than 6 times about the lame "music." Where was INXS with "Need You Tonight", or Kenny Loggins belting out "Highway to the Danger Zone"?

If we're done with Music Express, you know what's next, right? Yessirree, none other than the Fire Dragon himself, Colossus. It was earth shaking, history making news when this monster went in at the Lagoon! Seems like just last year it was the new attraction, but apparently it was, well, let's just say it was a while ago; I'm not at all interested in divulging the actual number of years. Now, you just walk right on, no lines, no waiting. Poor thing has almost been forgotten with all the new fangdangled super-thrill adventures that have been added in recent years. Or maybe people are turned off by the new smaller seats in the cars. I don't know when they changed them, but now my hips have to squeeze into the seats and quite frankly, it's not very comfortable. There must have been some cost cutting measures requiring smaller cars or something. Regardless, my kids loved this ride, which has the acclaimed stardom of being the first "go upside down" ride in the park. And it goes upside down twice! You just wouldn't believe it!

At one point, our foursome was split up in line for the Paratrooper. I suggested that while Squid and I took our turn, instead of waiting for us, Dawn and the Bear could go do an enclosed waterslide tube ride. Squid and I share a great fondness for NOT small enclosed spaces. Unfortunately for them, the raft they were given was completely deflated so they got drenched! Gee, there's nothing better than soaking wet denim jeans for a day.

Bear and Dawn before the wetness, enjoying the Paratrooper.

Squid and my feet happily dangling in air while the rest of our party foolishly went and got themselves soaked!

With this debacle afoot, it was decided we would travel home for lunch and a fresh change of clothes. As a child, leaving Lagoon before it closed was unheard of. Going home for lunch? How lame is that?

Upon our return, we continued to tear it up on as many rides as we could. All the while, I continued to age right before my very eyes. Every tween and teeny-bopper we passed was dressed in clothes that could have been worn by myself back in 1984. How did paint splattered jackets, jelly bracelets, Nike high-tops, and bright colors that don't match come back in style? I thought we had safely tucked those embarassing styles away in a locked box at the back of the storeroom and lost the key. Seeing all those clothes transported me back in time making me realize how very very long ago it was when I was once a tweeny. I'm talking ages and ages ago.

So in an effort to feel young again, and fit in with all the cool kids, Squid, Bear and I all got tattoos. Yup, real-live, full color, completely permanent (for 5 days), airbrush tattoos! Don't we look tough!

As if the clothes didn't create a big enough generation gap, the chasm deepened when I noticed that I was having more fun watching the 2 year olds in the kiddie boats go round and round than I was on rides. Additionally, I couldn't wait to spend some time in Pioneer Village where we could sit and eat a real dinner and leisurely stroll the boardwalks. I recall absolutely hating my parents for making us spend what seemed like 16 hours at dumb Pioneer Village. And now, here I was doing the same darn thing.Mmmmmmm BBQ! Plus, a line of silly girls trying to find some way to have fun at Pioneer Village.

Actually, truth be told, an outrageously good time was had in the Pioneer Village, but photos of the evidence are forthcoming. They are just far too spectacular to mingle them among these simpleton Lagoon shots. Stay tuned for a post called Show Girls and Judging Judys.

The day became even more pathetic when us old folks declined a second trip on the roller coaster. We told the kids to take off and have fun and we'd be waiting for them at the exit of the ride. I do believe my butt sat firmly in the exact same spot on the concrete wall around the tree where my own parents' butts sat a generation ago. To further exagerate this scene, I yawned and yawned while we waited and kept looking at the time. Surely it had to have been about midnight. Sadly, no, it was only 8:30.

Sitting out the roller coaster set the stage for the rest of the evening. Aunt Dawn and I decided that was the way to go for the remainder of the rides. We would sit and watch the young 'uns while they waited in line and rode some rides. I think that was the longest I've been able to sit and just relax in about 2 months. It was surprisingly therapeutic, despite the fact that I had concrete butt (you know the sensation when your hiney goes to sleep and gets all cold from sitting on the sidewalk).

It was also a great opportunity for my favorite passtime: people watching. Though times change, there are some things that will transcend all time, ie: teen girls chasing teen boys around the park all day. It was so very obvious what each girl going by was thinking as she executed her carefully planned chase. I remember. I was that girl once; the girl with her friend that jumped on the lift ride that goes across the whole park in hopes of running into those hot guys from the last ride again. It was a great plan in theory, but in practice, there was never any resolution if you finally actually did run into those guys. What exactly was supposed to happen? Well, the girls of today aren't any different. I saw many a scene where they did catch up to the guys and the girls just looked at eachother, dumbstruck, and giggled. Maybe one even got up the nerve to accidentally wave at the boys. Then some squeals as the girls run the other direction. Ya, excellent plan, very well done!

By the end of the night, I think an important reality finally hit me and sunk in: I'm the grown-up now. This whole year, there have been signs at every turn hinting that I am not young and hip anymore. I have a daughter in Jr. High, I'm sore for days after I work out, I say things like "young and hip", I can shop for bras without being embarassed, I can talk about shopping for bras without being embarassed, I am okay wearing frumpy shoes because they are comfortable, and I no longer relate with most of the people I work with, considering most of them are between 18 and 23. And this trip to Lagoon sealed the deal when I just accepted the fact that I did enjoy simply sitting and watching the kids at the park rather than cramming in as many rides as I could before the park closed.

It is official, I'm not a youth any longer. Surely, everyone reading this is laughing hysterically shouting to their computer screen "Hey stupid, you haven't been a youth for 15-some-0dd years!" But this day put the truth of the matter into bright perspective, as much as I didn't want it to.

Blood Moon

I know there is a crew of firefighters out there tonight who are cursing the horrendous winds and the brush fire they're fighting. Thankfully, I'm far enough removed that I can just sit back and enjoy the unbelievable sky and moon that the aforementioned combination provides. I invite you to do the same.

And now, I'm going to go scoop the sand out of my eyes and revel in my ownership of the Nikon D50 with Sigma DC 18-200mm lens with OS. Thank you, and good night.