Exercise Enlightenment

I love my 30's! So much wisdom is found in these years that so stealthily (is that a word?) crept up on me. There is so much knowledge amassing here that I will be able to take my 40's off from acquiring knowledge to simply wallow in my elderly status.

One such awakening occurred last night at the gym. You've all seen this chickie at the gym, right? I'm sure her name is probably Mindy or Holly or something irritatingly sweet.

We hate her, right? Stupid girl, with her tight buns and her effulgent perkiness! Ya, she's a real bitch! And there I am on the elliptical with my non-tight buns and perkless presence huffing and puffing away. It was in the throes of this agony at mile marker 1.33 and heart rate 148 that it dawned on me: I should be thanking this girl we all hate. As long as she is prancing around in her tight little suit, with her perfect assets drawing the attention of everyone else in the gym, nobody is gazing in horror at the sight of me fighting the battle of the bulge.

It's bad enough having to go to the gym and exert actual effort, but the added terror of people staring and ridiculing the fat chick makes it all the more unappealing. But thanks to fitness gal, the only thing I have to worry about is becoming exhausted and falling flat on my face on the treadmill. Now that would be a sight I wouldn't blame people for watching.

Serendipitous Occassion

The official stance of the administration is:  I hate to travel. Oddly enough, despite the administration’s aforementioned declaration, every time I travel, it seems there’s a contradiction in this position. I cannot travel without being entertained by the display of peculiarity that the public so freely offers. At this time, let me insert the fact that I myself provide plenty of fodder for other bloggers’ observational musings. I am that person who seeks the perfect, isolated seat and will circle and backtrack until it is found. Yes, when I get to the end of a terminal having not located this elusive resting spot, I will pull out my boarding pass, or check my watch, or look quizzically at the gate number so as to appear that I have another purpose in that moment besides just wandering. Or how about the scene of me bending over to adhere a secret, smiley-face sticker on the wall in an inconspicuous place for my husband to find next time he flies through that particular airport. I fully expect TSA to approach me one day and take me away for questioning.

But my own eccentricities are beside the point. Or maybe they ARE they point. I haven’t quite figured it all out.

One thing you should know:  the trip I speak of today, heading for Columbus, Ohio, began on my seventh wedding anniversary, 10/11/2009. (10/11 chosen for its idiot proof consecutive numbers). I told Stretch that my present for him this year was to travel two time zones closer to him; we’ll spend the night together – only seven hours apart. What can I say? I’m a romantic at heart, and so very thoughtful.

Anyhooo, this trip began with a note in my car from little Bear. Beside the note was a bag of eight cookies; one snickerdoodle and seven Chips Ahoy. She wrote, and I quote, “Dear Mom. Happy Anniversary.  I love you and I will miss you a lot while you are gone. So here are 7 cookies each represent each year you have been with dad. And the snikerdoodle is for the road. I will miss you A LOT. Love Mom.” How cute, I left myself a note. Or Bear was in a hurry and wasn’t being paid to proofread. How cute is that?

Off to a good start, I’d say. The remainder of the day brought many fantastic occurrences, ie: fashion-gone-wrong, confused and angry travelers, $4.00 bottles of water, toilet seat wrappers (no, not seat covers – plastic wrappers that automatically rotate around the bowl for each new visitor), pooches who must have an aversion to doggy-daycare since they simply must travel with the pretty people on the plane, “guacamole holders” (aka – chips) at the Mexican restaurant in the Chicago airport, and of course the latest on the Jon and Kate plus 8 divorce drama as told by People magazine. I should have warned you to take a big breath before that last sentence.

If you're struggling to tie in the title of this post, I'll make it a little easier for you now. It may have been my anniversary upon departure, which is exciting enough in and of itself, but my return trip fell on Columbus Day. How many of you can say that you spent Columbus Day in Columbus? I'm just the coolest ever! To commemorate the occassion, I purchased myself a "Nothing Tips Like a Cow" t-shirt in the Columbus airport. Yup, just the coolest!

A little life lesson for you: be grateful for each day and take advantage of the little life lessons along the way. Are you listening? I’m talking to you - very unattractive couple wearing the matching, smiley-face bandanas on your heads. This is your little life lesson: do not ever, ever wear those again! In fact, it is important that you get rid of them as quickly as possible! Not even a muppet would be caught in public looking like that! Advice for myself: a post with two smiley-face references means it’s time to close the laptop and find something meaningful to write about.

With that thought in mind, I bid you adieu from Dallas, where I sit waiting for my flight which has been delayed two hours. Did I mention I hate to travel?

Best Random Event of the Day

Am I wrong to think this is weird?

....... And let me preface this by saying that I am certainly not in a place to pass judgement. I am only making an observation and adding my opinion on top of it. That's not passing judgement, is it?

So I'm at the Maverik minding my own business (or secretly watching everyone else's business) waiting for the "slowest-drink-filling-customer-ever" (I believe that was their full name). Seriously, he waited for every last bubble of carbonation to wear off and then squirted three more shots of pop into his cup and waited for more bubbles to die down. You know who I'm talking about. Finally he filled his cup to the brim with beverage-not-foam so as not to waste any of his $0.89 on 1/16th-inch of an empty drink cup. At this point you think he'd move out of the way and let the tall, attractive, Rav4 driving woman behind him access the ice. You would think, but no. He continued to stand in front of the whole fountain whilst he reached for a lid and carefully attached it to his cup. Don't get me started on the agonizing task of de-wrapping a straw. I began to wonder just how much I need the fountain, caffeine free Diet Coke, or at what point I will actually clear my throat very loudly, say,"Excuse me," and push him out of the way. Just as I nearly decided to ditch my empty cup, he scooted aside to reach the paper towels which were employed to wipe the drips off his cup. I did not have time to follow up on the disposition of the drink, but I am quite certain the Queen must have enjoyed her perfectly prepared beverage very much.

I am sure you are thinking, "This happens to me every dang day. What is so interesting about that?" To which I might reply, "You are right, it's not interesting. But what happened next is actually the point of my story. I was just trying to see how long you would stick with it."

Continuing on........I made my way to the beloved ice dispenser where another guy snuck in next to me. I was very considerate (unlike some people) and gave him as much room as possible. From the corner of my eye I saw him grab a 32 oz. cup, fill it partly with water, swish it around, then dump the water out. This motion could only have been done in an attempt to rid the cup of Maverik cooties or those pesky germs plastic cups pass to one another by being stacked on top of each other.

Oh well, not a big deal. I just happened to notice it.

When I got to the checkout stand with my Garden Salad, not Chef Salad - because the turkey chunks are gross - and the long anticipated caffeine free Diet Coke (baby steps people.....I've cut out the caffeine, the carbonation still holds a special place in my heart), Mr. Cootie-phobe appeared again. This time, he's holding his very clean cup, a Red Bull, and one of the Maverik classics - the flat bread with melted cheese on top.

Back to my original question.......am I wrong to think this is weird? If the guy is so very concerned with what he puts in his body, as was evidenced by the cursory cup washing, it's hard to believe that his lunch of choice consisted of a toxic energy drink and a deliciously cheesy dish which, when gone, leaves behind about 1/4 cup of grease in the little paper tray. Once again, I have NO room to judge. I'm just sayin'....................

You saw this grandtastic photo from the last post. What you didn't see was the even more awesome quote I found to go with it. I love when someone out in cyberland pegs us to a T better than I ever could have!
In case it's not blaringly obvious, I miss Stretch so bad it hurts! Having him home on leave was heaven, but also a little bit of hell (aka, the airport scene!). Even though it hurts now, I sit here feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for our life together. In the past two weeks I've seen reports of families going through unimaginable tragedies. These two in particular have stuck with me for some reason. One military wife loses her husband in a motorcycle crash after he finally gets home from several deployments. Another family this week lost their 12-year-old son in an automobile/bicycle accident. Have I told my family I love them today? We run around so busy, worrying about our "problems", when in reality, we have the world by the tail. We have eachother, we have love.

Girls, you are my angels. You are my light and my joy. I'm sorry you've had McDonald's for dinner twice in a week. I'm sorry I yelled yesterday. I'm sorry I bought the fancy mascara when you warned me not to. I'm annoyed that you knew why they make the garbage can holes small and round at restaurants. I hate when you use common sense to solve problems I couldn't figure out because I was overthinking it. I am so happy that you let me take pictures of you where ever we go. I love watching you when you feed the bunnies. When I watch you two argue, I laugh because it's like watching my own sister and me 25 years ago; then I ache over the pain I must have caused her, then rejoice because we are now best friends, which gives me hope for you two! Your giggles from downstairs, when you don't know I'm listening, warm my heart like nothing else. The way you halfway get ready in your own bathroom and halfway in the upstairs bathroom baffles me. I love how you strive to do a good deed every day; even if it's not for each other. It's fascinating to watch as you learn about the world around you. I know I'll never be lonely when I pee because you'll always be there to sit on the side of the tub and talk to me. (I know, TMI, but really, it's like Pavlovian response.......I go potty and there they are!) I'm thankful that you understand why I work full time and am even more thankful that you have grown up so well adjusted considering the years of daycare dropoffs.

Bearyboo, you are so darling sitting across from me in your witch cape. You are so sweet to have put up all the Halloween decorations and picked a load of grapes tonight. It kind of creeps me out how fast you can type. Your little fingers going a million miles an hour is a little freaky, and why that doesn't translate to the piano is a head-scratcher. Your debate skills are incredible. I pray you will harness that power for the good. I can see you as a lawyer, just like Elle Woods, pink everywhere with a little dog in your bag, winning every case you argue. I just melt when you leave me little notes. Your checklists make me smile. I love that you have become the babysitter everyone expected your sister to be. Your daily poo cracks me up. Your midnight puking does not. I love the way you still sleep with your hands nestled under your head just like when you were a baby. I rejoice that your forehead still smells the same when I kiss it as it did when you were two.

Squiddles, I only bought the purple and pink shirt because you looked so cute in yours. I love that you say good-bye to your sister in the mornings when you leave for school; even when just seconds earlier you were fighting with her. I marvel that you always do what is asked of you even when it's your sister's mess I ask you to clean up. I can't believe you are already in size 10 shoes. Sorry about passing you all the tall genes, Stretch Jr. Your sense of humor is so refreshing, yet I sometimes worry about the monster I've created! I wish I could take away the angst of struggling in English class. Your relationship with that Lello-cat is the sweetest thing ever! I think it's funny that you wear mismatched socks. It's such a contrast to see you with such long spindly fingers and such a tiny button nose? I worry about how you sleep with all the covers over your head. I love that you shoot wrong-eyed and are still a wicked good shot!

To my lobster, you complete me. You complete our family. It's a whole different home when you're gone. Even just three days later. I love how you love your truck. I envy your energy. Your retard finger is so sad, but lucky to be hooked to you, otherwise, it never stood a chance. Your shower wisdom still teaches me more than any college degree ever could. I am grateful to you for working so hard for our family. My heart aches to think of what you endure while you're over there. I burst with pride talking about you to others. I can't believe I loved that dang shotgun! I think it's funny what an effect you have on Harley. I never followed football; now I feel a chill run through me when I see black and gold. What the heck's that about? Only for you would I agree to a "shrine" in my family room. Our girls are the luckiest kids in the world to have you as their Dad. I love that my Dad loves you, and that no matter how hard I tried not to, I married my Dad anyway. Thank you for always being you; and for figuring you out. Thank you for helping me figure me out. Thank you for buying me the buffet, and the juicer, and the little Wyatt Earp. No husband has ever been more thoughtful!

So, if that doesn't cover it, let me say it again: I love you, family! Each of you separately, and all of you together.

Home on Leave

We are so lucky! Stretch was able to come home for 15 days on leave from the Middle East. It was the most perfect two weeks ever! I'm still in a bit of a funk after having sent him back for the remainder of his tour, thus, my clever wit eludes me today. So I will let these pictures tell the story of our wonderful time together.

Traveling Diva

My little Bear! She is such the drama queen! And I love it. Sure, most of the time, the drama is more aggravating than fun, but I can't help smile at the stuff this kid comes up with.

For her birthday, the Bear learned she was going to go to California with GrammaC. She has been so excited for this trip, as would any 11 year old about to embark on a journey that included beach time. Giving her two weeks notice before her departure may have been a bit hasty. She has spent every spare minute for two weeks planning and preparing for her adventure. Nothing wrong with that, but she has gone a little over the top. And to be perfectly honest, her obsessing has been quite enjoyable entertainment for me.

First off, she created a permission slip for the trip. She took a field trip permission slip from school and tailored it for this vacation. She had me answer, in writing, questions about any allergies, whether or not she had her own luggage, and if she requires any special foods. At the bottom, there is a space for "Parent/Guardian Signature", "Gramma Signature", and "Goer's Signature" -that's her. She's the one going, hence, she's the "Goer." I laughed so hard at that. I think it hurt her feelings a little, so I had to back-pedal and tell her how glad I was she was so organized.

Then one night, she turned to me and asked, "Mom, will be flying over the Hudson River?" Following a quick geography lesson, I answered, "No, why?" She replied, "Because that dang Hudson's been swallowing people up lately!" What a proud moment when your youngest proves to be up on current events!

Today, the day before her trip, Bear spent most of the afternoon packing and repacking her suitcase. Before she was satisfied, she had me review her packing list. It was a full page list with all sorts of detail. Each item fell into one of six categories. After each item, there was a check mark, and within each category she wrote, Complete. At the bottom of the page, she signed her name to certify her packing was accomplished.

She is just too fun. I'm glad she made the prep for this trip so much fun. I was having such a fun time watching her, I forgot to remember how much I'll miss her while she's gone.

I hate days when you realize that you've just been deluding yourself about how clever and witty you are. Most days I convince myself that I am quite humorous. Today: not so much! I wish I could take credit for the following amazingly hilarious thoughts on life. But no, I must thank the very mature Ken Wood for supplying an email that put in sharp focus that, even though I have done/thought/said these very things before, I am no where near talented enough to put these thoughts into words quite so perfectly. Hold on to your britches, make sure you read all the way to the bottom, and enjoy!

Random Thoughts of the Day:

*I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

*More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

*Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

*I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

*Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

*There is a great need for sarcasm font.

*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

*How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

*I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

*Was learning cursive really necessary?

*Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

*Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

*My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

*Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

*While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

*MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

*I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

*I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

*Bad decisions make good stories

*Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! *Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

*You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

*Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

*There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

*I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

*"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

*I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

*While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

*I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn It!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

*I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

*I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

*Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

*As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

*Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

*It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

*I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

*Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

*Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

*My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

*It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

*I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

*I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

*The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.