You want to go WHERE for dinner?!?!?

To reward you for enduring my last post, (which stayed in the top spot waaaaaay too long, sorry), I'm going to share with you my latest social experiment. Some reward, huh?!! Lucky you. Four years ago, I embarked on an adventure which I swore I would never, ever, not ever, subject myself to again. I gave into my darling child's nagging to have a party at Chuck E. Cheese. Thinking I would not ever have to suffer through such torture again, I submitted.

Well, tonight I gave in again. Maybe it was four years of life experience that I thought have made me a stronger person, maybe it was the so sweet urging of my husband that it would be a fun night for the kids, maybe because the neighbors had coupons, or maybe it was simply the fact that I didn't want to cook dinner, but whatever the reason, I found myself heading down a path of pure terror: The driveway of the Chuck E. Cheese.

Our friends' little 2-year-old was a little forlorn at first, which was quickly attributed to "sensory overload." Wow, truer words have never been uttered! I'll tell you, my senses were immediately in overdrive! The sights, the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the feelings - oh snap!! The pizza was dripping grease, and tasted a little like antifreeze. The room was like a kid-version of a casino. And then there were the people.....

Oh, the people!!! Let me just say...

• when did velour come back in style?


• is it customary public decorum for kids to hold their "pee-pee" in with their hand? Really, every other kid!!! And I mean had-to-pee-bad little people; dancing and everything. One little girl even ran through the restroom door with one hand holding herself at the front, and the other holding for dear life in the back. You just can't fill a kid with 20 oz. of Dr. Pepper and send them off to ride the bouncy jeep ride anymore!


• Tie-dye wasn't back in during the 80's or 90's and it's still not back in now!!! And most certainly not in a size XXXL!!!!


• Considering I'm not a spring chicken, and I had braces at age 9, I know orthodontic practices have been around for a while now. Evidentally, I am the only one who knows that!


• Attention Parents: Remember that fantastic maturation program from 5th grade? Well, girls in this day and age still "develop", so give the Hanes or Bali website a visit and hook your 12 year old daughter up with some support!!! Really, when your daughter's 'training bra' has to be a size 34B, something's very very wrong!


• When/if you are ever at your very last drop of hydration, and all that will save you is a fountain Diet Coke, do not expect the people in front of you at the Chuck E. Cheese self-serve fountain to make any effort to pick up the pace, or heaven forbid, move aside when they are done! And especially do not have that expectation when these people are all under 4 feet tall.


• Next time you find yourself anxious about pulling off the perfect family photo for your Christmas cards, have no fear, Chuck E. Cheese is here. For one token you can have a lovely shot of your whole family done up. The little machine even spits out the final product in less than one minute! So, please, fill up your pockets with tokens, bring the whole gang, and take as many shots as you need to check off all your long lost relatives and friends from kindergarten from your Christmas Card list. Don't worry, we the people of the line behind you will wait our turn. Just don't forget to include us on your card list!


• No matter how fun a date you think it might be, do not ever, under any circumstances, take a date to Chuck E. Cheese. Nobody wants to see that!


• Maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have it to flaunt, but is cleavage really what you want your son and his friends to remember about his 5th birthday party?


• Nothing screams family night at the fun pizza place like hot pink stilletos!


• Are you tired of my list yet? Good, me neither!


• Hey Mr. - when you want to let-r-rip, please consider the very beautiful woman standing behind you! And no, do not consider that maybe it will not smell, consider that I really really really do not want to encounter anything that will trigger another barfing episode (see how I tied that all in to my last post? Very clever!)


• I did not know that top-ramen hair could grow waist long. Hmm.


• Was I an over-protective parent when my children were 2? I suppose it's common place to let your wee-little ones run around unsupervised while you obliviously text at your table. Silly me. My kids were so sheltered!


• The most agonizing moments of a child's life are spent at the ticket redemption counter trying to decide what crap they can get for 541 tickets. Oh the sheer misery of such a weighty decision. "Really, all I get is two rubber snakes and a crazy straw?" Funny how quick they become math whizzes in such a situation. "I could get four of the bouncy balls, and three rub on tattoes, and still have enough tickets for Pop Rocks!"


• Folks: the gate at the trailer park closes at 10:00. Please take your final purchases to the counter, and please do not pass through the roped off exit without first proving that you once entered this establishment by showing your stamped hand. We'll let anyone IN, but you must be cleared through security to get OUT. Wouldn't want to risk anyone making off with the highly sought after, 1200 ticket, gold Hannah Montana backpack.

I am certain that this will be a two-step post as more fond memories of this excursion flood back to my mind. Not wanting to have any photograhic evidence that I succumbed to a night at the CEC, I did not take a camera. Your loss! I will not be so careless in the future! Maybe I'll go back. I'm sure I won't be disappointed. I'll have to combine that with my upcoming "Night at the Wally-World" photo essay.

I will end on this note. The very best, most soothing moment of the night was actually spent in the bathroom of the Chuck E. Cheese. So sad, and very ironic, that the restroom was the cleanest, best smelling area of the whole place! (For real, it smelled berry-licious and the floors sparkled.)

Merry Christmas to All!! With Love, Steffi and Stretch

Long boring painful post - I warned you!

Life imitates art. That's what they say. Well, since this is my art, I should really be careful about being so cynical all the time. I should have figured that poking fun at the world around me would send shock waves into the cosmos that come back around to bite me in the butt! This week started out with life dealing me some incredible material that requires no embellishment whatsoever. Life gave me all the sarcasm I needed for today's entry.

I had to travel to Ohio for a Monday morning meeting. I was amazed that a week prior I was able to book a non-stop flight both to and from Columbus. That has never happened. I left SLC on Sunday morning, leaving me plenty of time after my flight to rest and be prepared for the next morning. Upon arrival at the airport, my best laid plans and optimism for a smooth trip began to decline quite rapidly.

The shuttle bus from the parking lot was pulling away from the stop right as I arrived, so I had to wait another 10 minutes for the next one. Once aboard the next bus, I sit and watch as a passenger at the next stop tries to put an oversized suitcase on the top storage rack. It clearly didn't fit, so I'm thinking the guy will just put it on the bottom rack designed for larger bags, or move over about two feet to the next rack which was completely empty. Nope, instead he shoves and rearranges all the bags already on the top rack, so he can squish his suitcase in. I glanced around and saw a few other folks also staring on in disbelief. What a wank! We were at the next stop by the time he sat down.

In the security line, I'm always amazed how many travellers still don't have that "no liquids" thing down. It's apparent to me at this point that I travel way too much! I have my 3.0 oz. liquids nice and neat in a zip-loc baggie ready to go. The lady right in front of me is bewildered when the TSA guy tells her that she needs to either drink her entire unopened bottle of water or throw it away. It was the most agonizing dilemma of this woman's life. Eh-hemmm, excuuuuse me while I butt in line. Moving on. Now there's a family with two little kids in front of me. The parents clearly haven't done this before. It took them forever to figure out how to put all their crap in the totes and on the conveyor. Once through to the other side, the promised land (the side of the airport where you can get a Diet Coke and not have to throw it out at security) not far now, the little family is elated to see their precious belongings scooting out the other side of the x-ray machine. Huge pet peeve alert: I hate it when people stop right there and re-dress!!! Come on, pick up your crap, walk out of the security line and then put your shoes on. Grrrr.

Now can I get breakfast? The lines at the old stand-bys were way too long, so I take a chance that there's decent food near the gate. Score, a bagel place, with fountain Diet Coke!

Now, this supposedly wonderful, non-stop flight to Columbus is really one of the puddle jumper planes. But that's okay, because there's no chance of having to suffer with a center seat. But of course, I end up in the seat next to the guy who needs a seat belt extender. Still, I'll survive. I have a good book, and I don't need to pee (for once). I can sit uncomfortably in my seat for three hours.

By the time drink service was through, I'm hopeful the remainder of the flight will be pleasant. However, the kid in the seat behind me quickly corrected that line of thinking when he began kicking the back of my seat. I'd like to thank this child's parents for their GenX approach to parenting - you know, let the kid do what he wants - for the entire flight!!!

My joy is increased when the guy next to me tips over his drink and it spills all down my leg and into my shoe. Now my jeans are wet and my socks are soggy. The guy tries to apologize but more or less laughs it off. Yes, I'm amused. Life imitating art!

It's about the time my drink buddy falls asleep that it hits....I'm really nauseous! Weird, I don't get plane sick. But the sweats are hitting hard and I'm fumbling around in the seat-back pocket for the barf bag, just in case. I try to distract my thoughts by reading and then my neighbor wakes up and asks to get out. I love that! When he returned, I try to head to the restroom. But I end up like 10th in line. I didn't really care, because I knew I'd be bumped to the front of the line once I started puking. Luckily it never happened and I was content to just sit and get kicked for the rest of the flight. "Get me off this plane" was my mantra. It became quite soothing.

Once off the plane and in the rental car office, I had to sit down for a bit. As I started to feel up to standing at the counter, I get up only to have three other people rush in ahead of me. Nice. So I sit back down. I do believe that rental car transactions are something equivalent to a week long journey in the desert on a horse with no name. It takes these guys for freaking-ever to hand over a set of keys and it's excruciatingly difficult to understand them. And it didn't help that the lady in front of me asked every single question imaginable about rental cars before she was done. A half-hour later, I get my turn. I'm standing next in line when some guy on a cell phone breezes by, walks right up in front of me as the guy at the counter is calling "Next", which he arrogantly assumes means him! Really? And of course, when I finally get my bright yellow car and am trying to leave the garage, the slow poke question lady was blocking the exit lane doing an inspection on her car. Even the garage attendant shared my pain. As he eventually waved me through, he apologized, commenting that some people are just stupid. Finally, someone with true widsom!

Fast forward to the hotel, here it comes! I puked my guts out! I'm quite certain I have the bagel place to thank for that! Then I puked some more. The rest of the night was spent writhing in agony with stomach cramps. The last time I was in that much pain, I was rewarded with my cute little squishy Bear baby. The only prize I get from this was a long night in a strange bed.

Okay, okay, I know you are totally bored and wishing I would stop writing. Well, just stop reading, duh!!! Maybe by now you are feeling the misery I was in. Good, my job here is done. Almost.

I did survive the night and even managed to improve throughout Monday. It was the very end of the return flight that just put perfectly punctuated the end of the trip. I was seated in the very last row of the plane. I was in the "window seat", but there was no window, just the wall. Even still, I made it through the flight without any upheavals. I didn't even have to pee. That's probably because I was too scared to eat or drink anything all day. I didn't want to have to revisit any meals a second time! Why is it that it takes sooooo long for people to get off a plane? It's all the more apparent when you're seated on the very last row. Finally, finally, finally, the plane is nearly empty and I'm waiting for the person in the next row over to get out of the way. She got her bag from the overhead compartment and rumages around for a while, then folds her jacket, rearranges her bag again, fixes her hair, chit-chats with the flight attendant, then throws her bag over her shoulder. As she turns around to leave, she looks down at me and says in complete seriousness, "Oh, aren't you getting off?" As I bite back my tongue that was ready to spout "Umm, I can't until you move your ass!", I smile and nod.

Yes, I would love to stay on the plane and do this trip all over again! Life - no embellisment necessary.

Waste of a Day

I really could not be more pleased with my adventures today. Well, I guess if I had planted my tulips like I wanted and finished the 2005 scrapbook like I'd planned, then I would be a bit more pleased, but I'll take what I can get.

Stretch is off hunting again. I was out late last night (not as late as Lasca wanted, I'm sure!) so I just wanted to sleep in this morning. Rumor has it that Stretch got up and left around 4:00am, but since I didn't go to bed until around 2:00am, I was a phase or two past unconscious for that particular event. Nature began calling at 5:00 and really pissed me off - pun intented! My sleeping in was being interrupted. Fortunately, at 5:02, the sleeping in picked up where it left off and I was in happy-ville again till about 10:30.

Finally, I put feet on ground, and make an attempt at being productive. After pacing around the house for a bit, finishing off a bowl of Honey Buzzers, and checking my junk email, my comfy bed sounded far more appealing than anything else the day had in store. Squid came and joined me and we watched Untamed and Uncut on Animal Planet. It was hilarious; and proof on video of Darwin's theory of evolution - you know, survival of the fittest, or survival of the not-stupid, as the case may be. They played a video of a lady who jumped a guard rail at a zoo to take a closer picture of a polar bear. The polar bear reached through the bars, grabbed her, and sank his teeth into her thigh! It was the perfect example of what my dad always said, "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid!"

After napping on and off all day, I figured we better get out of the house. So Squid, the Bear and I went shopping for Halloween costumes. Herein lies the outstanding outcome to the day. I won't tell you what the costumes are, you'll have to wait until the Halloween post! But I can show you this...

As you can see, our purchases could not have been more perfect. But even better than what we did buy at the Savers, was what we didn't buy! How could I deprive other shoppers of the joy of finding this product on display?Oh my holy flippin' heck! Yes, nothing sells a pair of 30-year-old nylons like topless fat hotties wearing tights! The best part was, they had more than one package of these lovely Big Mama nylons!

Then we stopped at the Wally-World to get kitty litter. Ya, we live a rock star life!! Since Squid had me totally grossed out about the cooties we contracted at the Savers, we had to hit the restroom for some hand sanitizing. Since my bladder cannot pass a restroom without making a deposit, I stopped by a stall where I found the brand name of the toilet paper holder prominently displayed....Stefco! I wonder when I'll start receiving royalty checks?

When I came out, Squid asked if I was the one who took a picture? She heard the camera clicking sound my phone made, and got a little creeped out thinking someone was in the Wal-Mart restroom taking pictures. Luckily, it was just her crazy mother!


Now we're sitting at home in the office, wondering when Stretch will come home, and watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off. My children have never seen it and just aren't appreciating it as they should! Geez, darn generational gap!


Well, did it work? Do you feel much better about your life after hearing about my day? Good, I live to serve!

7 Years of Higher Learning

So what have you done in the last 7 years? Wait, no, don't tell me. I didn't really want to know. This is about me, see Steffiscraps, it's in the title. That's me. Oh come on, I'm funny! Here's an even better question: what did you have for dinner 7 years ago tonight? Well, I had nachos from the Puck. And Stretch had steak fries. You'd think that was a weird thing to remember, but it was the day we met and that's not a day you forget! Meeting Stretch completely changed my life! In the past 7 years, I've experienced more than I ever thought possible! I've learned some amazing stuff, questioned some crazy stuff, and in the end have figured out that even though a lot of what he does seems weird, he's usually right and I end up with my foot in my mouth! There, I said it. Now we will never speak of it again!

So what crazy amazing weird stuff have I learned because of Mr. Smarty Pants? Really, you're gonna wish you didn't ask! Here goes:

- it's a long trudge through the snow to the bunnies, so the kids need a trail. So at our house, not only does the driveway get plowed, the lawn gets plowed too.

- Properly retiring a US Flag (or 1,000 US Flags) involves A LOT of fire!!!

- The proper way to make a 'smore is to use chocolate frosting instead of Hershey bars. AAAAAaaaah Perfection!!!

- An eight inch hole is just not quite big enough for a size 34 waist to fit through. You can blame the wallet all you want, but that slab still moved even without the wallet!

- When your mom tells you not to drop trucks on your finger, she means it! And metal pins squeak when you yank them from a finger with Craftsman pliers!

- A Nikon D50 will hold over 500 pictures of deer. Twice. Also, Dugway deer are smart. They know where the hunting line starts and stops.

- When you pick a camp site in the dark, you can't complain when you have visitors outside your camper window in the morning. I wouldn't have complained anyway since the visitor was a way cute moo cow!

-Little girls are really good with guns! Hot hubby showing our daughters their target after they demolished it is really cool!

- Men will go to great lengths to keep sprinkler spots off their Hemi Dodge. For example: tear up and reroute the sprinklers in the front lawn!

- Who knew you could get up close and personal with this many elk butts!? I know now!

- Little girls will do anything if promised candy and/or xbox games.

- The sun setting over the Great Salt Lake is so beautiful. The sun setting over the Great Salt Lake as seen from my front porch is even better!

- If you catch a foul ball at the Raptors game, you can get the player to autograph it after the game.

- Terms like Plum Crazy Purple and Slime Lime Green have nothing to do with Jolley Ranchers.

- It routinely reaches 140+ degrees in Iraq, while there is 3 feet of snow in Utah. 18 months is a really really really really really really really long time, but 7 years flies by in the blink of an eye!

- You can have more than one "First Kiss"

Are you bored yet? How is that possible? The motto of or family since meeting Stretch is "Never a Dull Moment". To my dear husband: Thank you for the most joy and fun and memorable moments a wife could ever ask for. I love you!

If anyone would like clarification on any of the aforementioned pearls of wisdom, please, come visit. You'll only need a small sack lunch to sustain you on the drive!

DID YOU KNOW...

...you can watch an entire season of Friends and finish 6 scrapbook pages in 12 hours on a rainy Saturday?

...if you spit on a mirror it won't fog up in the bathroom during your shower?

...no matter how many times you watch it, Ross still says Rachel's name at the wedding in London?

...and it's still painful to watch even after the 103rd time?

...a 10-year-old can clean your kitchen spotless, including wiping out the sink and scrubbing the stovetop, and still leave the dirty griddle sitting smack in the middle of the counter?

...this blog becomes quite neglected when Stretch gets home from the deer hunt? (He shot his two point by the way!)

...a deer head wrapped in three garbage bags will stink up a Corolla's trunk in under 45 minutes?

...a Corolla's trunk has a light which will stay on all night when you leave the trunk open to air it out if for some reason it is stinky?

...run on sentences are fun?

...a Corolla will still start the next morning?

...someone somewhere has the job of scooping dead racoons off Legacy? Seriously, they are never the same from day to day!

...17 guns isn't enough?

...9:18pm is now considered "staying up way late"?

Well, now you know!

Signs of the Times

It's been one week now since Stretch left on the deer hunt. He's called a few times and is having a BLAST!!! No pun intended. OK, pun intended! He got his deer several days ago, but as of last night, there were still three unfilled tags in the hunting party. So Stretch and his uncle and cousins are still out there squeezing every last minute of daylight out of the final day of their vacation. I expect him back sometime around midnight.

After a week without my hubby, there are a few signs that make it apparent that he has been gone for way too long. These little reminders create a melancholy mood tonight as I sit in wait for my hunny to come home.

First off, there is the cascading mountain of unopened ebay packages that have arrived in his absence.
Then there is the laundry I sorted tonight. It's a very small pile. Not a single Hanes sock or blue work shirt to be seen. Weird.

In the backyard, there is no manual labor being performed. If I'm not mistaken, Scott, you're okay with this.

It's quiet, quiet, quiet. (But doesn't it look great so far?!)

And don't forget poor little Ella. She is so sad there are none of Stretch's clean clothes on the bed. She resorted to plopping down on the clean towels instead of his t-shirts. Poor kitty.

And of course, the most obvious sign is that I have time to actually take pictures of these things and bore you with the tale. So there you have it. I miss my boy tonight. The question is.......do I miss him enough to smother him with hugs and kisses when he gets home at midnight after a week without a shower? I'll let you know.

You're how OLD?

Today was one of those moments I realized how fast time is going by. My baby sister turned 30 today! Ya, I was there when she got married, when she had her third child, but none of those milestones had as much of an impact on me as today did. If she's 30, that make me, well........older. Where did the time go? Beano and I were just arguing little sisters like two months ago. It's really strange that my own two daughters are in the stage of life that I remember with my sister. See how much we loved each other?

I probably don't say it enough, but I love my sister! She is the best. I'd like to take a minute and set the record straight on a few things. First off, no matter what the judges at the Beauty Pageant said, Bean is the most beautiful, smart, charming, hilariously fun person around! She is so tough and resilient. I admire her more than she could ever know. I'm sure the judges that day only thought that the big sister was so painfully insecure that they'd better let her win. The little one could take it, she was such a trooper! It was totally rigged, because on merit alone, the little sister should have won!! And Texas is really a misterable place, very hot, humid and full of giant bugs! If you really look at it, going there was actually more of a punishment!

Then my sister was in high school, I was getting married and having my first baby. To this day I still feel bad that I was pretty self absorbed and never really understood what my sister was dealing with at home and at school. I know I've joked about her high school experience, but I consider it much more of an accomplishment than what I ever did. I was spoiled and stayed in my comfort zone to get through school. My sister on the other hand powered through on her own. Again, she was such a trooper, and through it all became my daughter's favorite aunt! The two of them were very close and to this day still are. Here is the Squid at Bean's wedding. What a beautiful bride with the sweetest little bridesmaid (even if the purple dress was laced with pins)! Flash forward 10 years and they're still close friends - and my sis is still the most beautiful.

It's a little known fact, but most of my life, I've been jealous of my cute sister. She always had such great hair and always looked fantastic no matter what. Well, maybe once she had a bad hair day.......

.....but it was only once (unless you count the mullet days.....but that wasn't her fault, it was the 80's and our mom got a little overzealous with the scissors at times.)

Here is a little trip down memory lane.....

Hey Vanna! And, weren't we darling? Matching jammies every Christams.



What a great collage to celebrate 30 years of the Bean!

And one of Beano's signature moves was the self portrait shot on every roll of film. It was always fun to find one of these in your newly developed photos.

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to make sure I sung the praises of my wonderful sister today. I am truly blessed to have her as family, as a friend, and the best aunt to my girls.



I love you JMKC! Never doubt what an inspiration you are to me! I might be the older sister, but you are the example. I look up to you more than you'll ever know! Happy Birthday!